I’ve been looking at Dreams, Passing Traveler, and Blessed Child (my old websites) through The Wayback Machine. Reading my old blog entries and site updates just brings back so much memories. For example, to quote from my blog post from October 21, 2004:
- “I’m so messed up right now; I want everything about me to be perfect, but you know, it’s just not possible. Sometime I can’t sleep because oh I did so bad on a test, I don’t know the materials…It’s just hard being in my school where there are tons of smart people with straight A’s and 100 percents that I know I can never beat. But for some reason I never give up, and by that I am just putting myself in a cage, doing the same cycle everyday: get up, go to school, study, sleep. I mean doesn’t life suppose to have some excitment in it?”
It amazes me how much I’ve grown since then. On one hand, my thoughts are so much more mature and sophisticated, and my langugae has become much more uniform and professional. But after taking a second look, I realized that I haven’t changed a bit. I’m still that competitive little girl who wants to be the best of everything and who often questions if there is any purpose, any purpose at all, of going through the same routine everyday.
So have I changed? Yes.
I’ve learned to spazz randomly at something I like. I’ve learned to free and open up my emotions. I’ve come to understand myself as someone great - not in a pompous or self-righteous way, but in the sense that I don’t need to change to feel wonderful about myself.
I used to be very conscious about how I compare to others around me. Physically and mentally. I couldn’t accept the fact that someone was smarter or better than me. I look at myself with disdain when everyone around me was skinny and pretty. For the longest time, I studied for the sake of beating everyone else. For the longest time, I dressed in the sloppiest way possible because I felt inferior to everyone else around me.
It’s time to let that all go now. I’ve found confidence in who I am. Yes, I can probably stand to study harder and to lose some weight (-cough 10 pounds would be nice-), but I don’t have to in order to please others. I’ve grown to understand that when I do something, I do it for me, for me alone. I don’t need compliments from others to make me happy.
But I have to constantly remind myself to not be over-confident. I have faults; I need to improve in just about every area of my life. I’m not the smartest, not the prettiest, not the best.
It’s nice to look at myself through my own 14-year-old eyes once in a while. It’s nice to have all those memories to fall back on. But I think I can move on now - the wayback machine is nothing but a comforting piece of memory. Knowing that I’ve changed and grown up is the greatest feeling.
btw, new portfolio site - a m o r ♥. It’s not quite finished, but fit to be displayed publicly 
7 Comments
I looked at a few of my old blog entries too, and was quite impressed with my grammatical structure at that time. However, I was amused by my childishness. XD I talked of my “first love” … aka my first boyfriend … but in reality, I see now that he was really just a “first crush”. I’m glad i have, like you, matured. =)
And I commend you on your feelings. I think you are great! =)
Btw, Amor looks awesome! =]
I believe I deleted all my 14-year-old stuff - it’s too bad I did.
But I do remember reading an old journal entry I wrote when I was 7 maybe…it made me realize just how selfish I was at that age :).
lol sorry bout that anna D: i havent told everyone that i move ; D; don’t get mad of me *smiles innocently* xD OH THE WAYBACK MACHINE! 8D My teacher once told me about that site too, that’s too fun xD I never started anything around web at that time, but i found myself changed as well, even if my stuffs is like 4 years old ago. *le sigh* time sure flies fast. Anyway, when did you changed your layout? it looks simple and cool ♥ me likes :]
sadly, I can’t seem to use that machine
to dig up really old blog posts of mine
back in my very first hosted website ):
it’s nice to read back the old entries and
feel silly over those childish posts (okay,
more embarrassed to be exact.) still, it’s
always amazing to see how much one
has grown over the years.
Oh dear, I remember doing that too… except that it was two years back… O_O And boy, did I change a lot. I was always emotional on every entry with colourful swear words. But now, I look at my entries and it’s just weird. Thanks for the memories, Anna. =3
I’ve used WayBackMachine before, mostly to take a peek at how my site design used to look like (in real time - the actual experience is different from the screenshots I kept) back then. What I remember was myself becoming really appalled and closing the window almost immediately.
Now, I mostly use it to browse sites that no longer exist.
Too bad the way back machine only works with websites eh