• “I’m so messed up right now; I want everything about me to be perfect, but you know, it’s just not possible. Sometime I can’t sleep because oh I did so bad on a test, I don’t know the materials…It’s just hard being in my school where there are tons of smart people with straight A’s and 100 percents that I know I can never beat. But for some reason I never give up, and by that I am just putting myself in a cage, doing the same cycle everyday: get up, go to school, study, sleep. I mean doesn’t life suppose to have some excitment in it?”

It amazes me how much I’ve grown since then. On one hand, my thoughts are so much more mature and sophisticated, and my langugae has become much more uniform and professional. But after taking a second look, I realized that I haven’t changed a bit. I’m still that competitive little girl who wants to be the best of everything and who often questions if there is any purpose, any purpose at all, of going through the same routine everyday.

So have I changed? Yes.

I’ve learned to spazz randomly at something I like. I’ve learned to free and open up my emotions. I’ve come to understand myself as someone great - not in a pompous or self-righteous way, but in the sense that I don’t need to change to feel wonderful about myself.

I used to be very conscious about how I compare to others around me. Physically and mentally. I couldn’t accept the fact that someone was smarter or better than me. I look at myself with disdain when everyone around me was skinny and pretty. For the longest time, I studied for the sake of beating everyone else. For the longest time, I dressed in the sloppiest way possible because I felt inferior to everyone else around me.

It’s time to let that all go now. I’ve found confidence in who I am. Yes, I can probably stand to study harder and to lose some weight (-cough 10 pounds would be nice-), but I don’t have to in order to please others. I’ve grown to understand that when I do something, I do it for me, for me alone. I don’t need compliments from others to make me happy.

But I have to constantly remind myself to not be over-confident. I have faults; I need to improve in just about every area of my life. I’m not the smartest, not the prettiest, not the best.

It’s nice to look at myself through my own 14-year-old eyes once in a while. It’s nice to have all those memories to fall back on. But I think I can move on now - the wayback machine is nothing but a comforting piece of memory. Knowing that I’ve changed and grown up is the greatest feeling.

btw, new portfolio site - a m o r ♥. It’s not quite finished, but fit to be displayed publicly

First of all, a skirt! It’s green and pretty and leafy. Actually, this is the first skirt I have ever owned -celebrations- Am very, very in love with it.

Cropped jeans. I really like the little effect thing at the bottom (not sure what to call it) where it folds back up. And they are dark and pretty

Only $2.99, that’s probably why I got it I just like the NY&Co logo a lot.

I <333333333333 necklaces. Well, jewelry in general. I like the white one a lot, it goes well with solid colors (which is pretty much everything I own).

Excellent, a pair of nice walking-ish shoes. Walking-ish because I’m not sure if it’s all that comfortable. But it looks like it is? The only thing I don’t really like is that the heel is a little high, about 2 inches? So that makes me 6 feet when I wear it T.T Oh well. I’ll just have to find myself a boy who is taller than 6 feet.

In conclusion, I love New York and Company, and you should too XD

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I also recently discovered that Opera (the browser) is freakishly fast. It loads 10x faster than my firefox, which is really saying something…Sad thing is, Opera isn’t compatible with a lot of things If only they can combine Opera and Firefox and make one powerful yet lightweight browser, and call it Opefox…or Fira (lol! Like Lulu’s second level magic in Final Fantasy X! lol I have a very sad life.)

And, Final Fantasy X is back in my life! I’ve never actually finished the game and always regretted it, so I’m playing it again! I’ve always gotten caught up in the leveling up part and doing all the sidequests instead of actually getting on with the game (seriously, Lulu’s ultimate weapon thing, avoid 200 lightening bolts - WTF?!?!?! And Tidus’ chocobo racing thing…it’s just purely impossible for me), but this time I shall finish!

Other than video games, life is moving on splendidly. I don’t have to work anymore after this week at a job that I really really dislike; I’m going to take a summer workshop that starts next week (excited! science in the summer!); and I’ve already had all these plans on where to go shopping in China (lol! In addition to the many awesome, Terina -points to Xiao Star- is also in Dalian and has already found Super Junior posters for both of us XDXD).

I want to keep a travel log sort of thing during the half a month time in China, except I know that annacircles.com is blocked by the Chinese server for some reason (T.T, what did I do wrong?!), so perhaps I’ll be getting a blogspot and writing on there? Suggestions anyone?

♥

The midwest has been raining and thunderstorming for the past few weeks now, and even worse, it’s been flooding It was perfectly sunny and happy outside, and a minute later, we could see the dark clouds moving over and covering the sky, and then the thunderstorm comes. A lot of homes are flooded downtown; it’s during these times that I realize how lucky I really am. If I have time, I would really love to help rebuild the homes with Habitat for Humanity. I know, excuses excuses, but one day, I’m going to do it. Just you wait.

Speaking of summer, I’m really excited for China. It’ll be my first time back in five years, I want to see how everything is now and GO SHOPPING! Because shopping is awesome. And haggling. Reminder to self - learn how to haggle.

After the summer, of course, comes college. First time truly away from home. I remembered back when I was first applying, it was such a big deal for me to not attend a college close to home (main reason why I rejected Notre Dame, I just couldn’t stand four more years of praising corn), but it’s only now that I realize how hard it might be. I’m afraid that I’ll be timid and shy and won’t know how to win favors of my professors. But at the same time, I have all these grand goals that I want to accomplish - get a 4.0 GPA, do well on the MCAT and get into an AWESOME med school (I just discovered yesterday that Wash U’s med school is #2 in the country. -very impressed-), serve food at the soup kitchen, volunteer at a battered women’s shelter, volunteer in a hospital near a doctor, start working/volunteering/interning in a lab in freshman year, and learn to speak Spanish fluently. Honestly, that’s a lot of goals, and I’m not sure I can accomplish all of them. I’m determined, but I’m not superwoman. I hope that college will be a period of growth, and I’ll come out a different person - learn to fit into society instead of being the sometimes-irrational Chinese girl from Indiana.

But let’s forget all that! It’s my last high school summer, and I want to enjoy it - by looking at pictures! LOL! -reminder to self: get a life- Yummy pictures of the day. If you don’t know, that is Kangin of the group Super Junior. Physical appearnace-wise, he is my favorite -drowns in self-shallowness-. Unlike the rest of them, Kangin is not stick skinny, and standing next to him will not make me feel so self-conscious as I would if I stand next to, say, Siwon. And Kangin is adorable and cute as well as mature (at times). Quick, someone, go steal him and force him to marry me ^^

I’m leaving on July 25th and coming back on August 12th. I’ll be going alone. It might be a little scary traveling all that distance alone, BUT I’M GOING TO CHINA!

I haven’t been back for five years now, and lucky enough, I’m still in close touch with my best friend back in China, and my family house is still there. -makes list of all the cute things I could buy- I’m seriously considering buying a gigantic stuffed animal from China because Asia has all the super cute characters XDXD I just don’t know how to fit it in my suitcase…. T_T

And on a fandom note - SUPER JUNIOR H (H for HAPPY). I thought it was the dumbest idea for a few seconds, then I realized that I totally don’t care what they are called, MY HYUKJAE IS IN IT. -happiness- And the pictures are so cute, they look like babies XD

My gorgeous future home for the next four years (click to zoom in).

Thinking back on my life, it really seems like I’ve never had any trouble. Our family isn’t rich, but I’ve never starved. If I really wanted something, I can always get it through my own effort and hard work. I’m introverted and quiet, but I have more friends than I ever imagined. I thought that I could never get a good score on the SATs, but I was content with it. Some parts of me always thought that I will end up at state schools like IU (not that they are bad), but I’m going to one of the most prestigious universities in the world. I never thought about how smoothly my life has been until now; I’ve experienced no major hardships.

The only reason I can find is that I am easy to please. I can smile at the slightest happiness, and perhaps that’s why life has treated me so well. I know these all sound like I’m trying to brag, but it’s how I truly feel.

If I look into the future, all I see is the path that I project for myself. I’ve had one and only one dream in life, and that is to become a doctor. I never had the arguments within myself about what to do with my life or what to major in. Sometimes I regret being so determinate; sometimes I wish I can be any other teenager, now knowing what I want to do with my life and be reckless for once.

I’m sensitive, but I’m not unreasonable. I get drawn into the moment a lot, and I am emotional and cry a lot. But no matter how angry I get, I always get over it within a few hours. I get lonely easily. I often feel left out, and that makes me want to shrink away and be alone more. But no matter how much I want to, I always force myself to come out of my shell. And that’s always when I realize how much my friends love me, in ways quite different from how I expect. I also get jealous of everything. But I can always find a reason to convince myself that I have qualities that no one else does.

To get narcissistic, I love the way I am right now. I admit that I have tons of negatives, but I don’t ever want to change. This is who I am. This, right here.

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Now, I’m officially starting to plan for college. My mom told me to make a list of everything I’ll need for my dorm next year (just personal items for now), and after a desperate scramble and what ended up as basically asking Larissa (LJ friend) what I’ll need, I have come up with the following list: (YES, ADMIRE ME. I HAVE A LIST)

For bed:
1. extra bedding
2. awesomely cute bed sheet and pillow case
3. which probably means I’ll need a pillow
4. GINORMOUS STUFFED ANIMAL (I’m serious, I REFUSE to go to college without one.)

For bthroom:
1. Little toiletry tote
2. Towels and general shower stufff

For room:
1. Little drawer thing to put shoes in (for closet)
2. Two laundry thing…boxes…whatever they are called
3. Cart thing next to the table to put more things on (?)
4. Eating-related stuff - cups, plates, utensils, etc.
5. Blender

Clothing-wise:
1. ADORABLE PJ’s. (Will not attend college without these either.)
2. Funny/cute socks. See attached message above ^
3. More normal clothing. I refuse to wear t-shirts and sweatshirts from high school everyday like I do now =_=;;

Now, this is where you come in, tell me what I’m missing, or what I should get to make my life easier next year

And
This is just filled with win ^^

I’m getting less and less sleep everyday. Apparently, when you don’t have much homework and are not nervous everyday because you are taking eight AP classes (*cough last year cough*), more and more non-study-related things come up. I never understood before why people would just randomly go hang out at someone else’s house - now I do. I never understood why people needed to express so much of their opinion and emotion - now I do. Like a baby first learning to walk, now I’m finally learning to interact with other people. This is like a success story in socializing for an Asian nerd, how inspiring XD

Whatever it is, I need to learn how to combine my newly discovered semi-socializing, my Super Junior fangirling, and my what is going to be freaking crazy studying in college.